Friday, January 16, 2015
Friday, December 19, 2014
Gue adalah produk dari sebuah perceraian. Tapi gue gak berasa ketika orang tua bercerai, dunia seakan-akan runtuh dan kita menjadi gak punya masa depan.
Mungkin karena gue terlalu muda saat mereka bercerai. Mungkin karena bokap gak terlalu deket saat itu. Mungkin karena bokap dan nyokap terlalu banyak berantem sehingga gue kadang merasa rumah lebih teduh kalau bokap lagi gak di rumah. Mungkin juga karena mereka sudah pisah rumah lama sebelum bener-bener nyokap menandatangani surat cerai dari pengadilan agama. Mungkin juga karena gue gak punya waktu buat galau ketika harusnya gue berasa galau, gue malah pusing karena gak punya duit buat bayar sekolah sama kuliah.
Dan gue gak pernah berasa sedih. Gue sedih hanya kalau nyokap sedih. Gue nangis hanya kalau nyokap nangis. Selain itu, dunia baik-baik saja.
Sampai akhirnya gue kuliah dan sering nginep di rumah temen. Gue melihat mereka bisa deket sama bokap. Ngobrol kayak sama temen. Makan bareng, becanda bareng. Beda sama apa yang gue rasakan dulu. Kayaknya baru kali itu gue berasa ada nyeri di hati gue.
Sampai saat gue dewasa, gue gak bisa deket sama bokap. Apalagi bokap sudah punya keluarga baru. Ada anak-anaknya lainnya yang manggil dia 'Ayah'. Gue merasa tersisih. I used to be the youngest son. Tapi ya udah. Gue gak menyalahkan salah satu dari mereka.
Tuesday, December 02, 2014
We used to live in one bedroom house where we shared a thin mattress for three of us; my mom, my brother and me. And since we did not have a television nor any kind of entertainment, we usually spent the night by chatting what happened during the day.
There was one night, my brother had fallen sleep and my mom and I was having a conversation. I don't remember what triggered the thread but suddenly she talked 'what if' scenarios. What if she was leaving for overseas to work as a maid. She said it would surely make our life better. She would be able to provide a better food, better roof and provide fund needed for my education.
She went on and on saying that I could stay with my grandparents while she was away. She said I should be a good boy, don't be troublesome and take care each other with my brother.
Living away from my mom is unbearable idea for a kid who still in junior high school. Then I moved my body to face the wall so she could not see my face. I cried in silent. Kept so hard to breathe normally while tears pouring down and wet the pillow.
After a while realizing I didn't squeak a sound, my mom suddenly asked 'Her, udah tidur ya?' her hand touch my eyes to see if I still awake.
As soon as she found me crying she cried herself but still continuing her what if story.
I think I fall sleep while crying that night.